Try My Reins and My Heart...

Today was fast Sunday. It has never been easier for me to fast than it was today because it was for Tim. My emotions wouldn't let me stand to bear my testimony but Tim was able to -- he's a rock in the midst of all of this -- or so he would have everyone believe. :)

It is amazing to me how intact Tim's sense of humor is. Sometimes I laugh with him at the things he says and other times I cry because the the sting of reality is just too much.
He's trying to tame his humor for my sake but part of me doesn't want to him to do that either. I don't know what I want other than for my aching heart to be eased.

Like yesterday when Tim went to get his haircut....I stayed in the car and read my scriptures (something I so needed to be able to find some comfort) and when he came back he said that Lowell, his barber, started cutting his hair and making conversation Lowell said, "So, was 2008 good to you and are you looking forward to a better 2009?" Well, what does someone diagnosed with cancer only a few weeks ago say to that?

Tim thought then said, "Well, 2008 wasn't too bad until I found out a few weeks ago that I have cancer. I have to start radiation and chemo so this is probably the last haircut I am going to have for a while!"

Okay...it was funny and I did laugh but it is also terribly sad that a 51 year old, totally healthy man has cancer.

Today, in testimony meeting Tim stood up and talked about "changes" in a continuation of the testimony before his. He then said that a few weeks ago he found out he had cancer. He said that that meant radiation and chemo for him and he thought that maybe it was Heavenly Father's way of saying he didn't like his haircut! Okay...it was funny and everyone laughed. Tim copes better when he can make people laugh. And we do need to laugh. If we don't laugh we will cry....he will cry.

While reading scriptures I have found several verses that were comforting....

Psalm 26:2 "Examine me, O Lord, and prove me; try my reins and my heart."

I found this to be a very beautiful verse. It is an invitation for the Lord to examine us, to prove us to see if we will do what He asks. "Try my reins"..... reins are used to direct and control. It's as if asking the Lord to try me to see if I will follow His direction....And my heart, will it follow Him? Yes, it will. Mine will and Tim's will. I have no doubt. It's just that there is tremendous pain in going through the experiences we must pass through to try our reins and our hearts.

Proverbs 24:10 "If thou faint in the day of adversity thy strength is small."

Wow...neither Tim nor I want to be found with small strength. We want to be found with great strength, and hope, and faith, and love. It is a refining process. My goal is to not go through the refining process kicking and screaming. I just don't know how to do that yet. Well, yes I do....

Proverbs 3:5 & 6 "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy path."

That is how to do it....this is where practice makes perfect. I think we are in for a lot of practice.