Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Invasion By Proxy...

Yesterday took Tim and I to his long awaited doctor's appointment -- the follow up after the biopsy. January 6th was so far off on the calendar and the waiting was painful. Not physically painful but emotionally painful as you know there is cancer lurking inside the body of someone you have loved and leaned on for nearing 24 years; the someone who knows you like no other; the someone who is the father of your six kids; the someone I am eternally tied to-- thankfully.

I'd love to say that the news was great, that it was more positive than we expected but saying that would be a lie. Truth is the dragon is bigger and raging more than we knew. What we were told was a stage 2 squamous cell carcinoma is now redefined a stage IV-A. Not only are two lymph nodes involved but also a third. We spent two weeks getting used to stage 2 and suddenly in a spoken word it is worse. Last night I cried so much. Tim just held me while I sobbed and let me get make-up on his shirt. I just want someone to wake me up and tell me this is all a bad dream; tell me that this isn't really happening.

We didn't plan to have an appointment with the oncologist yesterday, only the ENT who would refer us to him, but we unexpectedly got to see Dr. K. Tim and I both liked him. He was confident in what he does but not arrogant. There is a huge difference. We want confidence, not arrogance.

As we entered the world of the Markey Cancer Center I felt almost dizzy as I looked around at the people. You know that everyone that is there has had the cancer dragon invade their lives. Some have had a personal invasion, others have had an invasion by proxy -- someone they dearly love has been invaded. It's a sad place. No amount of cheerful colored paint or pretty wallpaper changes the reasons people are there. Each of them has a story as they wait. And we have a story. An audible voice in my head asks WHY are we here? How did we get here? Is this really happening?

I am here to tell you that while it is Tim that has cancer, our whole family has cancer. And I am afraid that right now our children don't know just what cancer means but the time is coming, and soon, that they will see the raging dragon. But when they see the raging dragon they will also see the knight that is fighting hard to defeat the dragon. He is the perfect knight -- he is strong, he is so full of faith, he is willing to battle, he is capable of defeating Cancer. He is still my knight. His armor hasn't faded with time. He rescued me almost 24 years ago and now it is my turn to rescue him with love and with caring for him while his armor is being buffed.


Patty said...

Just fight that dragon with all your might and come what may! We love you guys. (What are you doing up so late??? confident in that snow day tomorrow???)

amaree said...

You've got a long road ahead of you, but the Lord is there by your side the entire way. Your family is in my prayers. I truly understand. My mother-in-law was told last week that there is yet another tumor, this time in her neck (it started as breast cancer 5 years ago and has since hit her bones: her skull, her hip, her back, and now, her neck) ::sigh:: It IS a dragon, a horrible one, but it is one that can be fought. Hang in there, both of you.

BTW, my word verification today is "holyled" How ironic. You are led by the holiest of them all!

Belinda said...

Loretta and Tim,

Please remember you are not alone. There are angels everywhere to see you through this journey. God will not forsake you. Everyone needs help at different times in their lives.

If you need ANYTHING, call me, anytime. I will be glad to help with the kids, meals, anything. I am thinking of you and praying for your family as you all battle cancer. Tell Abigail and Annah if they need a little break from reality, my home is open 24/7. I love those girls and you guys.

God bless you! Belinda Bradley