Our days have felt as though they are being lived in slow motion -- each day seeming to take so long to turn from dawn to dusk. It's a difficult thing to know that the battle is raging in Tim's body and we still have more time to wait before someone can begin to call in the cavalry of radiation and chemo and whatever else is necessary to defeat the dragon. We have to go on living our lives and doing what we do because life will not wait while we want to sit in a chair and just stare at the wall or while crying in the shower. There are things to be done, kids to take care of, dinners to be made, games to be played, pep talks to be given, jokes to be told. And yet with all of that, there are also tears to be cried, fears to be spoken, worries to be calmed, prayers to be prayed, blessings to hold on to. It's all wrapped up in everyday life....life that goes on with or without cancer. Cancer doesn't care what our plans are for today or tomorrow or for the years to come. Cancer doesn't wait for us to be ready for it -- that doesn't ever happen.
I remember being riveted to a show on the TLC cable channel called Crazy, Sexy Cancer about a young woman, Kris Carr, who had a rare, incurable cancer. They made a documentary of her ups and downs of living with her cancer. She is still alive today -- 5 years after being diagnosed. I remember being so struck by a comment she made and I have never forgotten it. She said, "Cancer wasn't killing me, it was pushing me to live." Maybe it was meant to be that I never forget it because we would need it -- who knew at the time that cancer would touch our lives? The beauty in that statement made me cry then just as it does now. I so want that for Tim and I and our family. I want this dragon named Cancer to push us to be better, do better and love what we have.
I love the phrase that David B. Haight shared that his mother would always say, "Come what may, and love it." I don't love cancer but perhaps I can learn to love better through the trials that will come from battling the dragon.