Cast Away...

I was in desperate need of a slave and Annah volunteered. I don't move quite as well I did. Somewould blame it on age but I blame it on my cast.

Yup, got a cast on my foot. I have a big problem with plantar fasciitis and it's very painful. I've had problems for 6 months now and nothing has helped. They tell me the cast will help -- I want to believe them. I'll tell you in 6 weeks if it worked or not....6 loonnnggg weeks!

I took my first shower this morning with my cast. I thought it was odd that my toes felt sweaty afterwards. Turns out that they weren't sweaty but WET -- must have had a hole in the bag I put over my cast. :( I then had to go back to get my cast cut off and replaced. Two casts in two days. I wonder if that's some kind of a record.

I am so on the edge of losing my sense of humor, but don't count me out of the game yet! :)

Help Me To See...

"We once had a major decision to make. When our prayers left us uncertain, I went to see Elder Harold B. Lee. He counseled us to proceed. Sensing that I was still very unsettled, he said, 'The problem with you is you want to see the end from the beginning.' Then he quoted this verse from the Book of Mormon, 'Dispute not because ye see not, for ye receive no witness until after the trial of your faith' (Ether 12:6).

"He added, 'You must learn to walk a few steps ahead into the darkness, and then the light will turn on and go before you.' That was a life-changing experience from one verse in the Book of Mormon." ~Boyd K. Packer~

Isn't that the way of life...learning to walk a few steps ahead into the darkness and then the light will go before you? I think that this is an easier concept for me with smaller things. We have never experienced anything in our almost 24 years married that is the magnitude of cancer. I need to learn that this principle applies to the big things too, not just the smaller things. I need to learn to keep taking a few steps into the darkness and to dispute not because I see not.

Future Bloggers??

So I am wondering if my blogging habits are rubbing off on my girls.


This morning after they went to school I found these pictures on my camera....


The face in the bottom of the heart-shaped Cheerios bowl made me laugh!!!

Gotta love these girls!

Funny Feet...

The other night I spontaneously drew a face in Annah's toe when she laid down on the bed and stretched her feet toward me. Once I did one face I had to do 4 more. Then Abigail wanted in so I had to draw 5 more...and then she drew on her own heel; then they had to name each face!

Annah's Funny Feet

Abigail's

Funny

Feet

The girl's always make me laugh! I am so happy that they get along so well and they care about each other. Thank Heaven for little girls...and even girls that are not so little anymore. :)

Tailor Made....

"Don't be afraid of the testing and trials of life. Sometimes when you are going through the most severe tests, you will be nearer to God than you have any idea, for like the experience of the Master Himself in the temptation on the mount, in the Garden of Gethsemane, and on the cross at Calvary, the scriptures record, 'And, behold, angels came and ministered unto him' (Matthew 4:11). Sometimes that may happen to you in the midst of your trials"

(The Teachings of Harold B. Lee, p. 192)

What a fitting quote to find first thing this morning -- tailor made just for me! I am thankful.

Chemo Round Two...

Round two of chemo...and the last. That was the good news for the day. The bad? Poison is once again being put into Tim's body. That's enough to ruin anyone's day. But, Tim is a trooper....

Last time Tim had a cup full of pills to take. Today he had them crushed with a little water added so he could have it through his feeding tube. He liked that much better -- swallowing pills is no longer an option for him.

Cisplatin begins....

A few hours into chemo Jordan (who is a student at the University of Kentucky and lives in the dorm just across the street from where Tim gets his radiation and chemo) called and he was just outside the chemo suites (weird name,huh?) and wondered if he could come visit his dad. Tim was happy to see him. It meant a lot to him that Jordan would take the time to come. Jordan was in between classes so he stayed and visited for a while then headed off to classes. It was a bright spot in Tim's day.

After Jordan left Tim tried to rest. The times he was able to fall asleep it was only for a short time and his sleep was so restless. There wasn't a time that he slept when his eyebrows weren't furrowed in discomfort. I cried as I sat there with him. My heart aches that Tim has to endure all of this, that our kids have to see this, that the cancer is robbing us of our typical days.

Recently I wrote to my friend and said that I just wish that I could turn back the hands of time and have the worries that I thought were so major before. I would love a day that was cancer-free -- like we've never heard of it or ever experienced it. I would love to climb into bed at night without cancer on my mind, without wondering just how bad this is going to get for Tim, feeling so helpless that I can't do something more to relieve his suffering. I would love the heartache I feel to have never pierced me as it has. I wish that the fear that is in me was not a reality of every day of my life.

But, all the wishing and wanting will not take away what it is. THAT is the hardest thing for my mind to comprehend. I want to fix this, to change this, to be rid of this but nothing I can ever do will make it anything but what it is and that is what is so sad.

I love Tim so much and to be able to do so little for him feels like I, in some way, add to his pain, not take it away. For that is what I want to do -- I want to wave my magic wand and make it all go away.

Leaving after chemo in the funky mirrored elevator.

14 more radiation treatments to go......

Fitting....

This was one of our favorite pictures that young Tim took on his mission. Creative boy he is! :) (there are many more "creative" pictures -- trust me!)

Chemo is tomorrow and some how this is very fitting..... The sign says:

Inhumane Experiment In Progress (Do Not Disturb The Patient Please)

Thought For The Day...

"Let us not presume that because the way is at times difficult and challenging, our Heavenly Father is not mindful of us. He is rubbing off our rough edges and sensitizing us for our great responsibilities ahead. May His blessings be upon us spiritually, that we may have a sweet companionship with the Holy Ghost, and that our footsteps might be guided along paths of truth and righteousness. And may each of us follow the Lord’s comforting counsel: “Be patient in afflictions, for thou shalt have many; but endure them, for, lo, I am with thee, even unto the end of thy days” (D&C 24:8).

~James E. Faust~

Happy Birthday, Jacob!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JACOB!!

Today is Jacob's 15th birthday! His day began with a ward basketball game. I thought that maybe the opposing team would let them win being it was Jacob's birthday but I guess they weren't that into giving him a birthday present. :)

Abigail also had a basketball game --her first game! WOO-HOO! It was really exciting for her even though they didn't have enough jersey's for all the girls so the newbie's had to wear their brother's shirts...who had played the game before them! Poor Abigail played her first basketball game in her brother's sweaty shirt! BWHAHAHAHA! But, they did WIN the game! :)

Jacob didn't want to make a big fuss about his birthday -- he just wanted to have a gathering of his friends. So he invited lots of kids from the ward and we had pizza rolls, chips, dips, candy and soda. Because it wasn't an actual "birthday" party I wasn't even thinking CAKE so I didn't make or buy one! (oops!) When I realized that this morning I asked Jacob what I should do. While he was thinking I said, "I could put candles in your pizza rolls!" Being Jacob, he liked that idea! Since the pizza rolls were hot we couldn't use candles so we used wooden matches! :)

The only problem with wooden matches is that they burn out quickly...so quick in fact that we had to sing Happy birthday in hyper-speed so he could still have a few to blow out! :) Happy Birthday, my boy! I love you bunches!

Fabulous Friday...

We love Fridays. Friday's are good. It is the end of a long week of Monday-Friday radiation appointments . Friday means a two day break is coming soon.

This Friday we began with an early breakfast and a little one on one time with the computer. Tim's laptop has felt very neglected lately so he is trying to remedy the situation.

Then we had a police escort into Lexington for radiation.... not really, that's our neighbor who was headed to work and he happens to be a policeman and we just happened to be following him on our way in...until someone was speeding and he had to end our escort. :)

When we got to the cancer center we happen to see Jordan (#3 son) crossing the parking lot! He's a college student at UK and his dorm is right across the street from where we go in!

I had company while waiting for Tim....ahh..another waiter.

*Since getting the feeding tube Tim is needing a wheelchair to get to radiation. I don't know that I will ever understand why they make cancer patients hike 2 miles to their radiation treatments. You'd think in designing a cancer hospital someone would have planned a closer entrance for these people whose energy and spirits are lacking most days. Maybe they think a nice long walk would improve their mood. I can tell you it's not working so far!

While waiting I found this very reassuring article... This is good to know.

While on our way to another appointment after radiation we saw BOT 2 in the hallway. Bot 2 is a Robot who carries patient lab specimens to different places in the hospital. It made me laugh to see him -- he travels down the hallway following every curve of the hallways, stopping if people walk in front of him and stopping at hall intersections before proceeding! (He follows magnetic strips in the flooring, that's how he knows where to go)

The sign on BOT 2 was a riot....it says:

"If I get into trouble please call home for me at...."

then it lists a number to call! BWHAHAHAHA!

Once back in the van it was lunch time. We had Tim's lunch with us.....next time I will have to remember to bring mine along so we could at least have lunch together. :)

Special Delivery...

We had a special delivery of the supplies we now need for Tim's tube feedings. It's all a little overwhelming but I think we are getting the hang of it. This is only a two week supply. The next time they deliver it will be a month's supply of Ensure, syringes, and bags. They even delivered an IV pole so that we can hang the bags -- they thought of everything!

Everything we need has to be kept close at hand so our ironing board has become a make-shift table......

Tim calls his Ensure his "Enfamil" :) We laugh that we feed him like a baby (every few hours) and he's sleeping like a baby -- he doesn't sleep through the night!

Bright Spots Peeking Out...

This was an intriguing picture that I took about a week ago. It seems like these clouds are very much like our life right now.... very dark, but thankfully, there are bright spots peeking out here and there. I'm all in favor of more bright spots....

I've always loved the song Both Sides Now by Joni Mitchell. These days I am more connected to the part of the song about the clouds...

Rows and floes of angel hair

And ice cream castles in the air

And feather canyons ev'rywhere

I've looked at clouds that way

But now they only block the sun

They rain and snow on ev'ryone

So many things I would have done

But clouds got in my way

I've looked at clouds from both sides now

From up and down, and still somehow

It's cloud illusions I recall

I really don't know clouds at all

Tim's On A Sleepover...

This morning Tim went in the hospital to have a feeding tube put in. It has come to the point that he cannot swallow without wincing in pain. When someone requests the feeding tube you know that it has gotten bad. We are in week four of radiation and it is getting bad.

Late this afternoon he began to be in tremendous pain from the surgery. Call in the heavy pain meds and he could finally rest, somewhat. It will probably be a long night for him.

I returned from the hospital at about 7:00 pm and at 9:00 pm I will go back up because at 10:00 they are going to do his first tube feeding and I feel that I need to be there to know how to do all of this. I don't know how aware he will be when the instruction is given because of the pain meds so I need to understand how all this works.

It will make you laugh to know that after coming out of surgery and waking up from the anesthesia he asked the nurse, "Did they put in an Oreo port?" The nurse was completely puzzled, and not knowing his humor, was sure she just didn't understand what he said! I assured he had indeed asked if they put in an Oreo port -- a place to put in Oreo cookies!!! :) I don't think they are used to groggy patients having such a wit about them!

It has been a long day and a hard day. It was hard to see him in such pain. I have never known him to experience as much pain as he did today. I so wish that this first time was also the last time to witness his pain. Somehow I don't think that will be the case.

And no, we didn't remove the phone, in case you were wondering.....

I Am A Waiter.....

Each day we pass through these halls of the cancer center on our way to radiation. Each day we go to the elevator and hit the down arrow and wait for the elevator. That elevator takes us to the basement of the cancer center where we go through the underground halls to the place where we check in and wait. This is where I see "the waiters". That is what I call those of us that come each day and wait. We wait for our loved ones to be called back to undergo their radiation. Some wait longer than others but we all wait.

I've never been a fan of waiting yet cancer is all about waiting. Waiting for the day of appointments to come around, waiting for the doctors once you are there, waiting for scans, waiting for test results, waiting for radiation 5 days out of every week, waiting for the next chemo treatment, waiting to see if the side effects they warn about may come, waiting to finally get through your treatment time, waiting to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Each day I see the waiters. Each day I am one of them.

It occurred to me the other day that our waiting won't end. When the waiting is over for Tim's radiation and chemo appointments there is always be more waiting to be done with all the follow up that is to come, waiting to see if the cancer has been stopped in its tracks, waiting to hear the word "remission". I have been afraid that our days of being a waiter have only just begun.

But then I read the scriptures and concluded that maybe being a waiter isn't so bad....

Psalm 130:5-6 "I wait for the Lord, my soul doth wait, and in his word do I hope.

My soul waiteth for the Lord more than they that watch for the morning; I say, more than they that watch for the morning."

Proverbs 20:22 "...but wait upon the Lord, and he will save thee."

Smiley Potatoes + Tim =.........

Today was "hat day" at Annah's school. She could hardly wait to wear this hat -- a hat that was hand knitted by one of young Tim's companions while on his mission. Abigail has one just like it but in black.

Today Annah's dad (a.k.a. Tim) came to have lunch with her at school. Although he could only have a liquid lunch Annah got chili and smiley potatoes. She doesn't like smiley potatoes. Maybe she finds it hard to eat something that looks so happy.

Today at the lunch table I got a glimpse of what Tim was probably like as a young kid as he began to play with the food. Maybe since he can't eat he decided to play with it.... :)

BWAHAHAHAHAHA!! Now, I work at the school and I have lunch duty in the cafeteria every three weeks or so and I have to say that I have never seen kids play with smiley potatoes like this...until today. Once the kids down the table saw what Annah's Dad was doing they decided to do the same thing! Thanks Annah's Dad! :)