Wednesday, August 19, 2009

All I Have Seen....

"All I have seen teaches me
to trust the creator for all
I have not seen."
~Ralph Waldo Emerson~

I like this quote a lot. Traveling through the past months has made me much more aware of the need to "trust the creator" ~ to have greater faith in his purposes and in his timing. This quote reminds me how much we have seen the hand of divine guidance through some of our darkest hours.

Those dark hours in some ways feel so far away, so long ago.
Then there are other days when it all doesn't feel far enough away.
There are those occasional days that come along when everything seems to grip my heart, making it difficult to breath. It feels very much like the day the doctor said he was 90% sure Tim had cancer. Stunned we didn't say a word but could only nod our heads. Moments later the doctor left the room and all I remember is the heaving of my chest as I sobbed in Tim's arms. It felt like the wind was knocked out of me.
Tim, in all his knighthood, didn't cry. Maybe his armor hid the tears. Perhaps he was too stunned for tears or maybe he needed more time to absorb what was said. Maybe he was holding out hope for the 10% chance he didn't have cancer. Whatever his reasons were he held in the tears and held me while I sobbed and while my body tried to remember how to breath.

This past Sunday was a day that was a mixture of feeling so far removed from the beginnings of this journey and feeling like I was gasping for air.
It began while sitting in church next to Tim. With the start of the opening song I could hear his voice singing his bass part and he sounded so good! I thought on the fact that it was not that long ago that Tim couldn't talk anymore because of the effects of the radiation he had had to his throat area. In the midst of radiation, particularly toward the end, talking brought him great pain and that great pain took away the strength of any voice he did have left. As much as Tim was experiencing physical pain, I was experiencing emotional pain as I longed to hear his voice again and to be able to have him talk to me. I hated that cancer had gripped our lives and everything revolved around the diagnosis. Every thought and action was tied to cancer. I felt like I had the weight of the world on my shoulders and yet no matter how much I carried I could never carry enough to take away the burden that cancer had placed upon all of us.
While months have passed by and each day we move a little further from that life altering experience, the rawness of the emotions I felt during that time have not moved so swiftly by. It doesn't take much at all to unearth my emotions that lie just below the surface.

Back to Sunday... there we were sitting in church and I am hearing Tim singing ~ beautifully singing. That was the part that was so far removed from the trauma of cancer.
The talk topic for the meeting was the power of prayer. Each of the speakers were great and with their words I could not help but reflect on the power of prayer that we have personally experienced. Then we stood to sing the intermediate hymn and as I again heard Tim's voice in my ear I could not stop the tears.
His healing was the power of prayer. His voice singing again was the power of prayer. Our whole journey has been because of the power of prayer.
And that is what reminds me that "All I have seen teaches me to trust the creator for all I have not seen."


amaree said...

Thanks again for putting into words something so poetic and beautiful, a reminder that He lives and loves us, and hears us. Despite all we've gone through this year, Heavenly Father decided we still needed to be reminded once again to trust in Him. Reading your posts, your moving, truthful words, uplift and encourage me when I feel so discouraged sometimes. Thanks for putting into words the reminder that I need!

btw- I love the word verifications sometimes. This morning's is "fortsown" It reminds me that our trials, while challenging, are sown in Heavenly Father's fort. Protected, nurtured, encouraged. And they will grow to be the beautiful plants that He intends them to be.

shayster said...

Tears stream........
Thank you for your testimony. It truly strengthens mine! I love you and honored to call you friend/sister.