Sunday, May 31, 2009
Needless to say we have concerns. I have pushed it out of my mind over the weeks hoping never to to have to face the fears that are in the shadows of my mind but the date is approaching and it feels as though I have a knot in my stomach that gets tighter with each passing day. Oh how we pray the news will be good.
I have had a lot of thoughts of faith and fear lately. It has been suggested to me that you can't have faith and fear at the same time. I am told that if I have faith then I wouldn't fear because I have faith. I use to agree with that. It was that easy to put the faith/fear issue into a nice little box, tie it with a bow and set it aside -- all neatly packaged. Yup, never have to think about that again because I have faith -- not fear. Then introduce public enemy number one (in my book) -- cancer.
How does my faith/fear issue stand up to that? I'll tell you, it doesn't. That nice little box it was put in has the bow cut off and the lid lifted and is exposed. So how can I feel like I have faith but yet feel afraid of what is ahead?
As the days have worn on I have returned to my faith/fear issue countless times. It wasn't until a few days ago that I could put words to what I am feeling about the implication that I don't have enough faith. And that is the implication -- if I just had enough faith then I wouldn't fear. I have realized that it is absolutely offensive to me that someone would imply that I don't have enough faith! I feel as though my faith is much stronger today than it was 5 months ago when this nightmare first began! I feel the love of Heavenly Father and the love of my Savior more than ever. I am not mad at Deity for what has come on our path through life. I think that many people confuse the issue of faith to mean that if they have enough faith they can change the will of God. I know that my faith cannot change the will of God but my faith can help me limp through the trials and adversity that are present in life. I have never prayed for anything but that it was the will of God for Tim and I.
So am I afraid? Yes I am. Do I have faith in God's will to be done? Yes I do. His promises are sure...and of this I am sure.
Saturday, May 30, 2009
It is so hard to believe that he is that grown! For his birthday we all went to see Night at the Museum Battle at the Smithsonian. We got up to about the last 15 minutes of the movie and the sound went out! We sat for a few minutes being entertained by making up what we thought they were saying in the movie but then they turned it off and gave us a ticket that we could come back and see another movie another time so we are guessing it had a happy ending. :)
I did get to laughing at Jordan's luck. Seems like he's had just a lot of weird stuff happen to him lately.
- He had a positive TB test (He was rechecked by the health department and it turned out it was negative.)
- Once he tested negative for TB he could then go to get the shots he needed to get ready for his mission -- tetanus, Hepatitis A and Hepatitis B. The nurse gave him tetanus and Hep B only to have the doctor come in an announce that he didn't need to have Hep B after all so he got the extra shot for nothing!
- Then he applied at a temp agency to work for a short time until he will leave for his mission. They ran his social security number and told him it showed that it is also registered to a women in Missouri! We had to go to the social security office to get a paper from them showing that he is the only one that they show that has that number. The mistake is in the data base that the temp agency uses and now his paper work has been held up for a few weeks.
- And then the movie losing the sound today on his birthday!
We love him in spite of his bad luck! :) Happy Birthday, Jordan!
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Monday, May 25, 2009
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
My life is but a weaving
Monday, May 18, 2009
Sunday, May 17, 2009
I found something in the scriptures today that made me smile....
"...he shall enter by the way of the porch..."
It made me think of how much I do love the entrance to our house in the springtime when the roses say welcome to all who enter.
I have to enjoy them while I can as there is a frost warning tonight and I don't know what the light of day will bring. My roses, who have been saying welcome, may be bidding farewell. I will hope they will linger a little longer.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
I could not have survived the past 5 months had it not been for the incredible efforts of my beautiful wife. Her Little Life has saved me. Through waking up and waiting up at night, pharmacy trips, measuring medicines, doctor’s appointments, endless note taking, tears, more tears, sacrificing her own schedule, her work and a thousand others things, well, it makes “Little Life” sound a bit non descriptive, doesn't it? I am amazed by her willingness to do all and still be ready to do more. Recently I sat next to a friend who noticed that Loretta, who was sitting a short distance from us, was concerned that I had entered the room without my cup that I must carry with me constantly. When he noticed her concern he leaned over and said, “You've got a great wife”, to which I readily agreed, followed by “the best!” And she is.
About this whole cancer thing… Never in my worst dreams did I think I would be facing this at this time of my life. It’s amazing how fast it came upon us, how fast the treatment was able to start, how fast the different feelings and emotions swept over us, and how fast the people around us came to our side with every kind of support imaginable. I have often wept as I looked into the face of someone who extended a hand of help, service, love, or concern, and could only utter a barely audible “Thank you”. I could not have understood the depth of my feelings for them without the past months of our trials and pain. What changed? Was it our realization that they cared, or how much? No, it is something deeper than that. There is a spiritual connection between people when things are done out of love, without words even being spoken. So when I look at you, with tears in my eyes and see something deeper than our outward appearance, know that I feel for you more than what I could before, more than I can describe. How could I ever curse God through the things I suffer?
**Religion Alert** If you tend to shy away from spiritual things, please don’t do so for a moment, there is something I must say. During my time in the U.S. Navy I had the great good fortune and privilege to be a part of the Submarine Service. I have seen many different nations, many different people, different faiths, different reasons for believing in God. I have seen a few who hid behind it, many who hid from it, a few in it for show… but others who believed, prayed and worshipped because they truly knew that God exists, who felt an eternal obligation and sense of reverence that faith in Him was necessary and desirable. Not as a crutch, but as a strength. It was during my time as a sailor in the sea that I came to know that God does live, and that I would be accountable to Him for what I did and did not do with my life. A particular scripture became my own:
If I take the wings of the morning, and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea;
Even there shall thy hand lead me, and thy right hand shall hold me.
So these past few months have found us not in the depths of the sea, but in the depths of sorrow, and the scripture that so often comforted me then is a strength to me now. I testify to you that God has sustained me, he has sustained us. I have called out to him for very specific blessings and they have come. I do not know where or how this experience of cancer will end, but through it all I know that it is His hand that holds us. Others may doubt, but I am only responsible to God for what I know to be true. I stand as a witness of Him to you, that he lives. He is our Heavenly Father to whom we will all one day return.
And now… the title of this blog. Before all this radiation thing happened I could barely grow any hair at all under my nose or on my chin. What did grow was all but invisible. But now… and I’m not sure if this is a blessing or a curse, but NOW I have this wonderful growth that is a dark color that NEVER graced my face before! We joke that it looks like a bit like…
a Woolly Worm. If that’s the case, and coloring is relevant, we're in for a hard winter this year. There is another theory about the mustache. Kind of scary actually, because it looks a little like……….
Yes, Fu Manchu. I am probably a relative. Electrolysis maybe?
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Monday, May 4, 2009
-- always the first Saturday in May. :)
In honor of Derby Day Annah's class made Derby hats!Annah and Abigail pulled out their "vintage horses" (a.k.a. old horses they've had for years!) for a prime seat to watch the derby! :) Then they took a 20 minute video of the horse race from the TV (with commentary!), plus a bunch of other shorter video clips. They made so many videos that they maxed out my mega memory card on my camera! It sure was cute though! :)
Sunday, May 3, 2009
Do you see the frog in this picture?
Do you see the horse in this picture?
"I will be glad and rejoice in thy mercy: for thou hast considered my trouble; thou hast known my soul in adversities"