The time is drawing near that Tim will have his PET scan. That is THE test we have been waiting for. It is the one that will show if there is any active cancer lurking inside of Tim. It happens on Friday, June 5th.
Needless to say we have concerns. I have pushed it out of my mind over the weeks hoping never to to have to face the fears that are in the shadows of my mind but the date is approaching and it feels as though I have a knot in my stomach that gets tighter with each passing day. Oh how we pray the news will be good.
I have had a lot of thoughts of faith and fear lately. It has been suggested to me that you can't have faith and fear at the same time. I am told that if I have faith then I wouldn't fear because I have faith. I use to agree with that. It was that easy to put the faith/fear issue into a nice little box, tie it with a bow and set it aside -- all neatly packaged. Yup, never have to think about that again because I have faith -- not fear. Then introduce public enemy number one (in my book) -- cancer.
How does my faith/fear issue stand up to that? I'll tell you, it doesn't. That nice little box it was put in has the bow cut off and the lid lifted and is exposed. So how can I feel like I have faith but yet feel afraid of what is ahead?
As the days have worn on I have returned to my faith/fear issue countless times. It wasn't until a few days ago that I could put words to what I am feeling about the implication that I don't have enough faith. And that is the implication -- if I just had enough faith then I wouldn't fear. I have realized that it is absolutely offensive to me that someone would imply that I don't have enough faith! I feel as though my faith is much stronger today than it was 5 months ago when this nightmare first began! I feel the love of Heavenly Father and the love of my Savior more than ever. I am not mad at Deity for what has come on our path through life. I think that many people confuse the issue of faith to mean that if they have enough faith they can change the will of God. I know that my faith cannot change the will of God but my faith can help me limp through the trials and adversity that are present in life. I have never prayed for anything but that it was the will of God for Tim and I.
So am I afraid? Yes I am. Do I have faith in God's will to be done? Yes I do. His promises are sure...and of this I am sure.