Sunday, May 31, 2009

Of This I Am Sure...

The time is drawing near that Tim will have his PET scan. That is THE test we have been waiting for. It is the one that will show if there is any active cancer lurking inside of Tim. It happens on Friday, June 5th.

Needless to say we have concerns. I have pushed it out of my mind over the weeks hoping never to to have to face the fears that are in the shadows of my mind but the date is approaching and it feels as though I have a knot in my stomach that gets tighter with each passing day. Oh how we pray the news will be good.

I have had a lot of thoughts of faith and fear lately. It has been suggested to me that you can't have faith and fear at the same time. I am told that if I have faith then I wouldn't fear because I have faith. I use to agree with that. It was that easy to put the faith/fear issue into a nice little box, tie it with a bow and set it aside -- all neatly packaged. Yup, never have to think about that again because I have faith -- not fear. Then introduce public enemy number one (in my book) -- cancer.

How does my faith/fear issue stand up to that? I'll tell you, it doesn't. That nice little box it was put in has the bow cut off and the lid lifted and is exposed. So how can I feel like I have faith but yet feel afraid of what is ahead?

As the days have worn on I have returned to my faith/fear issue countless times. It wasn't until a few days ago that I could put words to what I am feeling about the implication that I don't have enough faith. And that is the implication -- if I just had enough faith then I wouldn't fear. I have realized that it is absolutely offensive to me that someone would imply that I don't have enough faith! I feel as though my faith is much stronger today than it was 5 months ago when this nightmare first began! I feel the love of Heavenly Father and the love of my Savior more than ever. I am not mad at Deity for what has come on our path through life. I think that many people confuse the issue of faith to mean that if they have enough faith they can change the will of God. I know that my faith cannot change the will of God but my faith can help me limp through the trials and adversity that are present in life. I have never prayed for anything but that it was the will of God for Tim and I.

So am I afraid? Yes I am. Do I have faith in God's will to be done? Yes I do. His promises are sure...and of this I am sure.


Natalie.Rob.Branson said...

Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts on this today...I have been wondering and feeling those exact same things lately. I've often wondered how to let the fear of this new pregnancy go and replace it with complete trust and faith. As I sat in sacrament meeting today, I looked up and read what the bible dictionary said under each topic. I looked up scriptures, but didn't get to a place where I felt I had found what I was looking for. I still have more searching and reading to do, but I think your thoughts have put in the right direction.
We will continue to keep you in our prayers until the 5th has come. We love and miss you tons.

Patty said...

Your thoughts are similar to many of us as we wonder at why we fear or worry or any of the things we do as we try hard to have faith and trust. But, none of us has perfect faith and this life is all about gaining more faith and growing and so these trials we have are the avenue for that to happen. How can we be expected to have perfect faith until we have endured all our trials and learned all we need to learn? Of this I am sure, you DO have the faith you need for right now because you HAVE grown and you HAVE been dealing with your refiner's fire and you are not only enduring, but enduring well! That is all that is expected of you. You will cope with whatever you are handed because of your faith, but we can also have hope of great news and hope that recovery is the will of the Lord. You remain in our prayers and extra ones go out to you on Friday!

Julie Beyler said...

Loretta, MANY people have repeated that quote, but that doesn't mean that all of us believe it. How can we believe that when we KNOW we have faith, yet we also know that for real, we have fear. I think you should go ahead and rely strongly on your faith, but take that fear and put it in a box,wrap it, put a bow on it, and put it at the foot of the cross. Jesus will bear that burden for you. As a matter of fact WE will all help you carry that fear. Love ya.

JackieToo said...

I think the kind of fear meant in that quote is the kind that paralyzes you from exercising your faith.

I was afraid of losing my parents and of the changes that that loss would bring into my life. I think that's just human.

BUT I have faith that I will be with them again. That's the assurance, the knowledge, of eternal families that the Lord has blessed us with.

My prayers will be with you and Tim and family. Maybe a mention on the Temple prayer roll won't hurt either. :-)