Doing Well Enough to Post Words....

I've been getting emails about the fact that I haven't posted much on my blog lately. My last post was a few days ago when I posted some of my favorite fall pictures. A very "safe" blog post, to say the least.

Then this morning I got an email from my sister. I hope she doesn't mind that I share what she wrote because it was that email that made me decide to write again. She wrote:

I love the photos you posted on your blog. I was going to comment but thought it best not to be public with it.
Here is what I was going to say:
I LOVE the photos and look forward to the time when you are doing well enough to post words. Not because I need to read them but because I think you need to say them.
You are in my thoughts every day. I am so happy to know you as more than my younger sister.
........let's both have a good cry now......
Cretta

Let there be no doubt that I did have a good cry after I read that.

The reason Cretta thought "it best not to be public with it" was because *I* have been fighting being public with "it". "It" is the situation that our family is dealing with regarding my parents. I know that there are people back home that read my blog (although I don't necessarily know them personally) and then talk with my parents. Some even print out my blog posts to give to them so they can keep up with us. :) I have not written about all that has been happening since September or my feelings about it because I didn't want my thoughts and feelings (and occasional misplaced humor) to find its way back to my parents and they be hurt or feel worse about the situation they are in and we are in. So that is the reason I have chosen not written about it.

But, Cretta's email this morning made me realize that, yes, I do need to write even if only to preserve my sanity...or what is left of it. We have joked that I could do a private blog just for family members so I can write what I need to write but adding more work to maintain two blogs just didn't feel like the answer.

So what is the answer?

I know what the answer isn't... but I am still not completely sure what the answer is.

Perhaps there is a happy medium somewhere to be found where I am not feeling squelched and censored on my own blog.

I suppose that I need to enlist the help of those who might read my blog and who also know my parents. I need them to use their judgement in what is shared with them from my blog as nothing that I write on here is meant to hurt them.

Where to begin.....making a very long story short, as of this past September both my mother and father are in a nursing home -- in the same facility and in the same room. Since then things have been very hard and very complicated. Not much has turned out to be what it first appeared to be.

It has been hard on my parents to be confined to a nursing home to live out the rest of their days but it has also been hard on each one of us as their children to have to make decisions that are almost always contrary to what they want. But the decisions made have all been in their best interest and with the best of intent even though they don't always agree with the judgement calls that have had to be made.

A few weeks ago Tim and I went back to New York to help get things sold that were left in their home. We were only in town for 3 days and it was a lot of work but things got done. I got to see my sister and my brother and my sister-in-law for a short time and had some much needed laughs together in the midst of doing hard things and cleaning out your parents house is hard thing.

I am the youngest of five kids so that means that out of all the kids that *I* lived in the house we were cleaning out the longest. I don't know if that is what makes it all feel so hard. The last night we were in New York Tim called me outside and said to bring my camera. He wanted me to be able to take some last pictures before the sun went down on my childhood home. With camera in hand I walked around the property and took pictures one last time.

It does feel heartbreaking to see the place that my parents have lived in for 40 years winding down. Because of financial obligations from choices they made years ago the property will not remain in the family but will instead go through bankruptcy and will be sold. In my head I know it all needs to be done and I can detach and not "feel" the pain of seeing it all going away. But when my heart begins to "feel" there is no detaching and that is when it hurts most of all.

We have all been frustrated to see how many material things that my parents (okay, my mother!) is trying to hang on to and cram into their room that has become their new "home". I am usually the first one to complain about it. But it is literally all they have left. I guess I forget that sometimes.

Thanksgiving is tomorrow and it will feel different knowing that my parents are not at their old home but are in their new home -- a place they don't like and don't feel happy in. It's been a long running tradition that on Thanksgiving I call my dad to ask him how to make gravy. He's knows I'll call every year and ask how it is done again. My first thought was "not this year" but as I thought more I decided that maybe I should call to ask and let him feel needed as he has before. Truth be told, I know how to make gravy. He's told me how from the time I began cooking Thanksgiving dinner on my own. Yes, for a few years I needed to ask but the rest of the years I called because it made him feel happy to tell me how to make it one more time. I think I will call again tomorrow to let him tell me for another Thanksgiving.

So, while I don't feel like I am doing well enough to post words, I have done it. Thanks for the gentle prodding, Cretta. You're a great big sister. :)

*This is Cretta while we were in New York! :D

Fall Favorites...

As Thanksgiving nears fall is fading. Fall is one of my favorite seasons in all its splendor of brilliant colors that give way to muted hues that are stunning in their own right.

Here I share a few of my favorite fall pictures......

Linger a Little...

Last weekend we got to turn our clocks back an hour... one more reason that I love autumn. An added hour of sleep along with the beautiful colors, the cooling temperatures, slow motion bumble bees, the grass not needing a weekly trim.

It makes me breath in deep and sigh -- a good sigh, a relaxing "this is what I love" sigh.

I love that it gets dark earlier now. I feel more relaxed in the evenings as it feels like the day is extended and I am home with my family, in my cozy socks and warmed corn bags. It feels so relaxing, so comfortable.

In the summer time gets away from me. The bright skies trick my sense of time and almost every day I miscalculate the hours and am surprised that it is as late as it is. But in the fall and winter time seems to linger in the darkness.

And that is what I love.

Lingering time is such a gift.

Camera Envy...

So a few days ago I wrote about the great camera that Bill and Debbi sent to me. I mentioned Bill's awesome camera and that it was so awesome I was in danger of breaking the 10th commandment.... "thou shalt not covet"!

Well, we were at an awards ceremony for Annah last week and a man sitting near us had THIS awesome camera!!!!

Whoa! Wow! Wallapalooza!

I'm thinkin' Bill and I will both be in danger of breaking that 10th commandment! Talk about camera envy!!! I'm thinkin' Christmas!!!!! :) What do you think, Bill? ;)

*Turns out that this is Mark Landis, a professional photographer in our town. I should have known but I didn't recognize him with that massive camera held up to his eye! He took our family pictures back in September 2005, before young Tim went on his mission to Canada! :)

Minnesota Dreamin'...

I continue to play catch up on my blog.....

It was only a few weeks ago that we were in Minnesota enjoying a visit with Tim's side of the family. It had been almost 2 1/2 years since we had been there. It was time for a visit now that life is more or less back to normal for us. And it was time since Jordan was leaving for two years for his mission to Brazil and he wouldn't be seeing them until his return.

While we were there we got to see lots of relatives, go to Ikea and experience an early winter snow (by Kentucky standards, anyway!) mingled with beautiful fall colors. What a lovely trip it was!

This is the mayor and first lady of Lexington, Minnesota! They just happen to be Tim's dad and step mom! :)

*The world needs to know that the first lady of Lexington makes the greatest roast that can never be duplicated by me... although I have tried for years! :)


This is Phil and Bonnie, Tim's uncle and aunt, had a family gathering at their home where we had dinner with 18 of us total! What a lot of work that was for Bonnie to pull off! Thank you again, Bonnie! It was so good to see everyone again!

All of us together.....
*not the greatest quality picture because I was still learning how to use the camera that Bill and Debbi had sent to me!

And Mother Nature gave us a taste of winter while we were there...it was beautiful!

And why this picture?

There is a story about these stairs...it is our story -- mine and Tim's.

When Tim returned from his mission to Argentina in March of 1985, we had some long talks sitting on these stairs discussing if we had a future and where it would lead. :) Well, you know the outcome of that story....24 years and 6 kids later, we indeed have a future and it continues to be a very bright future! :)

Gotta love that Minnesota dreamin' -- dreams really do come true!

Halloween Happenings...

Halloween this year was a two day affair for us. It began with Trunk or Treat and a chili dinner at church on Friday night and then actual Halloween tonight. The kids had two times to dress up so two times the fun!

We began tonight with a beautiful Halloween sky...

Annah was a cat both nights but with different eye lashes each night.

Abigail was a devil on Friday night and Dorothy

from the Wizard of Oz tonight. Of course, Ella, was Toto! The girls said that people gave them extra candy because Ella was so cute! Have to remember that Halloween tip for next year! :)

Jacob went to the Trunk or Treat as the new Windows 7 by Microsoft....quite clever he was!!!! He thought up the idea and painted the box!

While Abigail and Annah went Trick or treating Tim and I sat on our spooky porch and gave out candy.

Later Tim and I were gone to get gas in the van for tomorrow when Trent and Shannon stopped by and did reverse Trick or Treating and gave us candy! The girls were anxious to tell us that they had come by -- what a fun idea! Thank you so much!! :)

And we ended the night with a wonderful Halloween moon.....

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!!

Restaurant Bucket List Re-Visited...

Back in January I wrote about our Restaurant Bucket List ....

After Tim's cancer diagnosis a few days before Christmas last year, our family was reeling from the news. We tried to act "normal" and do the things that we normally do even though every waking moment was consumed with the angst of the diagnosis, whether it was spoken or not.

In the midst of trying to pretend life was as normal as it had ever been, we decided we wanted to rent a movie or two. That's what we needed -- a break from reality.

Before Tim's diagnosis we had wanted to see the movie "Bucket List". Now for those that may know what that movie is about, you might not think it would be the first pick of someone newly diagnosed with cancer. The movie is about two guys that have cancer and they go about making their "bucket list" and set out to fulfill it. We decided to be brave and rent the movie. It was a wonderful movie too. After seeing that movie I laughed with Tim telling him that he didn't need a "bucket list" like in the movie but he needed a "bucket list" for restaurants before he began radiation and chemo and he got a feeding tube. It was our joke between us.....

What began as a joke turned into wonderful friends from church giving us gift cards for places that Tim and I could go to eat before the inevitable happened to him. We had a fun time going to different places letting Tim savor eating before the reality of radiation and chemo set in.

That was nine months ago. It's been 4 weeks since the feeding tube came out. Last Saturday, for the first time in 9 months, Tim and I were able to use one of our left over gift cards we had and went out to dinner at Tony Roma's!

What a wonderful celebration it was for getting back to "normal". Tim had potato soup, baby back ribs, mashed potatoes, two glasses of milk and a glass of water! (can you tell that potatoes and milk go down really well?) ;) And, he ate nearly all the food!

I am so happy that we are finding such joy in our return to normalcy. When I think back on the previous months of our walk with cancer, I am awed by the positive attitude that Tim has had through all he has been through. I am so blessed to have Tim as a my husband, my companion, my example, and my best friend.